Lying in bed at 2am with my mind racing. “what’s the point of life? Does anything I do matter?” These thoughts turn to panic. “What is the meaning of mortal life in an infinite universe? How did the universe just come into being?” Starting to feel sick at this point… I then pick up my phone and find a distraction to stop my brain moving a million miles and hour. What is wrong with me? I’ve had no energy lately and every day I feel like I’m sinking, I’ve not slept in weeks. Everything seems hazy. The walls seem to close in on me, a slight ringing gets seemingly louder and louder in my ears, my chest tightens.
Oh…
I’m depressed with a healthy dose of Anxiety, great.
The first time I experienced depression was when I was around 13 years old, following a serious head injury. I had to learn to function again including learning to read, write, talk, walk and then run. Through the early months of this journey, I became extremely depressed, to a point I did not value my own life. I thought I was more of a burden to others and I cannot describe the pure sense of frustration and hopelessness when I couldn’t complete even the simplest of tasks. Therapy helped me through some dark times.
Since then depression has been apart of my life, I have never taken any kind of medication and deal with it fairly well with exercise (but that is just my personal experience). I don’t speak about my feelings with anyone really, I like to help others and I am actually a Wellbeing leader at my place of work. I’m also very good at putting on an act to show everything is fine even when most of the time it’s not. To my children I am goofy dad. To my friends I’m the fun guy who also cares for everyone in our group, to my partner I’m her protector, but to me, I’m… nothing.
2 years later….
I started, then stopped writing the above in March 2022. Whilst writing, I realised how mentally unwell I really was and sought medical help from my doctor the following morning. I was in a deep dark hole.
For the past two years I had been on various dozes of Sertraline (Anti-depressant) ranging between 25mg upto 100mg. Before this time, I had never used any form of anti-depressant, but this time was different. For the first time in my life, I couldn’t see a way out of my own mental state.
Did the medication help? Yes, and no. Did it numb the pain of constant dread, anxiety and depression, mostly yes. However, it trapped me in a state of “addiction” which meant by stopping the pills, I would have intense anxiety. I tried to stop once in 2023, after a week I thought I had managed well, then my tongue suddenly became physically numb for days due to anxiety, along with this I had shock like bolts and flashes which felt like tiny electric shocks which ran through my head, meaning I started retaking the pills.
I felt trapped.
The following 9 months, I slowly but surely reduced my dosage with the support of my GP (Doctor). I’m happy to say that after 2 years an 1 month exactly, I came fully off the medication and in a positive state.
Now, you may be thinking, how did my mental state effect my home life, specifically my ability to be the best dad I can be.
In short, it didn’t.
I’m (as told by my therapist) a “Masker”. I am very good at masking my emotions, whilst feeling extreme pain on the inside, on the outside I smile. No one would ever know… right?…
Wrong.
My children seemed to know subconsciously when I was having bad days, specifically my daughter who is the eldest of my two kids. She would make me pictures and seemly go out of her way to make me laugh, and she would give me double the amount of hugs. Whilst she would never know how I felt nor would I show any difference, it’s like she knew.
During the bad days, I wanted nothing more than to shut myself away, but my family would give me that reason to get up and keep going. They provided the light I needed to aim towards whilst around me was the gloomy dark pit of depression.
What I found was that no matter how bad it got, I knew that a smile would always be waiting for me, and just that was enough to get me through the very bad times. I was also reminded the huge importance of strong routines and outlooks. I got myself a new job which gave me a better sense of pride following a complete lack of recognition in prior companies, and I focused on building myself up from the ground by routinely exercising, ensuring I had a full and balanced diet, meeting friends at least monthly, and by planning events for the future.
These smalls things have put me in a position where I can wake up in the morning and know, what ever comes my way, I’ve got this and I always have that end goal in sight, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
Summary
What have I learned from this whole situation? Well, one big lesson is that communication is everything – my partner has been my absolute rock and we always check in with each other. No matter how tough things got, she lifted me up, often without even knowing, and got me through my darkest days. I also make a point to mentally check in with myself. It might sound a bit odd, but just taking that time for self-reflection can really make a difference. Finally, there is no shame in asking for help. I am someone who can be quite stubborn at times especially with my emotions and I will exhaust every option before bothering anyone with my own needs, what I have found is how damaging such a mindset can be. Tell someone, anyone, how you feel and just this can be that push you need to getting help which suits your own needs.
Core Lesson: As parents, it’s natural to focus on how much our children need us, but it’s important to remember just how much we need them as well. Let’s cherish our little ones, shower them with love, and appreciate the strength they give us. Take the time to revel in the pure, unconditional love they offer.
Thank you for reading,
James
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