“kids having kids”, “Probably living on benefits”, “How did that happen?”, “Don’t you want to enjoy life?”…
These are just some of the comments that have been directed at me or asked to me but are common across most young parents. Within this blog I am going to explain how I dealt and still to this day deal with these comments.
Perception – Up until fairy recently in modern history the common age to become a parent was around 20 years old. My grandparents in fact were married with a house and a baby at the age of 21, however now it’s the social norm to not have any part of your life sorted out until your late 20s-30s. So, when becoming first time parents at a young age (19-20) you are bombarded with looks and opinions from people who “don’t agree” with your life choice. Why is this?
Now, obviously things have changed dramatically over the last 60 odd years – It’s near impossible for young people to enter the housing market, young people are expected to enter university and plunge themselves into debt purely for the experience over the qualifications, life style and social media have also had a huge effect on social standards. So becoming a parent at a young age now, is seen at wrong in many peoples minds.
When I first told friends and family I was going to become a dad I had a mixed reaction, family of course were more on the worried side but ultimately over time were very supportive in our decision. Close friends were supportive, then others not so. I would get personally offended if someone said “I don’t agree with that”, in my mind I thought “what the fuck does it have to do with you?”… but overtime you realise, who care what people think, this isn’t going to effect them. On social media I had lots of likes and messages of congratulations, but then when our daughter was born the attention fades and you realise it’s more lonely than you realised. Friends are out partying, meanwhile I am knee deep in a very messy nappy trying to take out a wet-wipe only for the entire pack to come out… at the time I wished I was with them. Fast forward 4 years, those same people are still out most weekends, no money, living with parents, nothing to show for the last few years. I on the other hand, good job with prospects, house, nice car, two beautiful children and my beautiful partner. Would I change a thing?
Would I fuck.
I would class myself as an objective person, I like to look at all sides of a view point. Therefore I do see the argument why people don’t agree with young people becoming parents and in some cases I agree. I know people who have had kids young and things haven’t gone smoothly, parents break up and use the children as pawns, people miss use the govenment funding “benefits” where they don’t bother trying to work. So all young parents are put into this same bubble which is frustrating. However, overtime you get better use to dealing with the ignorance of others and not let it bother you in the slightest.
Within every job I have had I have experienced discrimination for my age and choices. People thinking they can speak/treat me in a certain way. This is something I still deal with now in my current job although much less, I have people double my age who have accomplished less than me in life, thinking they can talk down to me. How do I deal with this? Do I get angry and react? NO.. I let them get on with it and accept it as their own insecurities, being a young parent has given me a huge sense of personal integrity so why would I let someone effect my day? I have worked extremely hard to show my value and become a valued member of the company, this to some fires jealously and resentment. Again, looking at this objectively I see why, but in life you have two choices. You can sit around moaning about things and how life isn’t perfect, or you can proactively make a change. Luckily, my mind set is the lattter.
My advise-
Since having my daughter 4 years ago, I have had to grow up fast. Things have not been easy, my relationship with my partner hasn’t always been perfect, there has been very hard times. When people ask me, “when shall I have kids?” I advise them to avoid what I did.. This was getting my girlfriend pregnant before slowly working my way into a stable career path, then after 2 years finally moving out from our parents house. These two years had some of the hardest times of my life.
Grow up, live, make mistakes, get settled, find a career path, get a house, then start thinking about things. Whilst I wouldn’t change anything about my life now, I’ve done everything backwards. I have huge amounts of regret around the amount I missed of the early stages of my daughters life, time I will never get back but do everything I can to make up for now.
If you are expecting a child-
Mentally prepare… This will be hard, but the most rewarding thing you will ever do. Be realistic in your expectations, if you are going to be a dad remember your partner is feeling everything you are but mixed in are hormones, fear, anxiety. Be there for her. And remember during the hard times, things get better! You won’t remember the bad nights, the bad nappies, the stress, you’ll look back and as weird as is sounds.. might even miss it.
Don’t listen to the negativity, you are not alone, you’ve got this!
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