It's late, around 10:45pm. Tears in my eyes. I'm driving by myself around 80mph on an empty country road. I'm coming up to a sharp bend. I have about 4 seconds to rapidly slow down, or not... 3...2...
Rewind 10 years–
I’m at high school, I’m in year 9 and life’s pretty good, I’m fairly popular and have lots of friends. I wouldn’t say I’m a trouble maker, but the trouble seems to find it’s way to me. I’m quite the wind up and never back down a challenge. Everything changed though, one normal day I was leaving a swimming lesson and it was lunch time. Down the hall I heard lots of banging and laughing, it was my friend holding a fire door closed.. on the other side was one of my best friends at the time frantically trying to get in, but at the time I didn’t know that… as I walked over my friend holding the door let go, as the other guy ran and kicked the door open… BANG. Lights out. In a complete accident, I had walked into a heavy fire door being booted open right onto my head.
I woke up with loads of people standing around me. What in the fuck just happened and why I’m I on the floor? My friends would normally be laughing but they looked pretty scared which was very unlike them. I got up and pretty much laughed it off. I walked off and proceeded to go to my usual spot where we would also play football. I don’t remember much at this point… but after 5 minutes of walking I collapsed.
Fast forward a few hours, I’m in A&E and the doctor thinks it’s a bad knock but nothing too serious and sends me home. I was apparently very lucky, 2 cm to the right and it probably would have killed me, 2 cm to the left and it could have blinded me.
The next day I was fully concussed and couldn’t stay awake very long but mostly okay. The next day things changed, I woke up and my pillow was wet, water had come out of my ear? Stupidly I didn’t think to tell anyone this at the time… a little later on I had my first ever migraine. I had never felt worse in my life! It got so bad I had to lie down and fell into a deep sleep.
I woke up a few hours later and felt very strange. I went to get up and fell over, my balance was completely gone and the room was spinning. Everything was blurry, my feet had become inverted when I walked, I couldn’t walk without assistance, my speech was incredibly slurred to a point people couldn’t understand me.
An MSI scan later and I was admitted into hospital. It took around 6 months to walk properly again, 9 months to run, years for my speech to not be slurred (but when I drink alcohol my speech very quickly declines) and I have issues with my sight to this day. My confidence is something I never truly got back, public speaking has since been a very difficult challenge to overcome. This I blame mostly on school. After returning back to school after the accident, teenage kids can be pretty ruthless with “banter”. I was called “Retard” & “Spaz” every day. Kids would laugh every time I spoke and after I while I became extremely depressed. Without digressing too much I did get some payback to one of the main culprits and once I was more healthy I beat him up on the school field.. It’s not something i’m too proud of today but at the time felt pretty good and he really did deserve it!
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, depression. This is something I’ve had on and off ever since the head injury. This is very common in people with brain injuries so I have learnt to almost live with it. I look at my mental health like a wave spectrum, it goes up and down a lot but mostly is constant and I’m mostly doing “okay”. You know, not great but not terrible just okay… and thats okay.
I do however have downward spirals, I’m very good at spotting the signs and 9 times out of 10 I will catch myself before I fall down the depression abyss which is extremely hard to get out of. This bring me to one of the darkest days of my life.
2020. Mid lockdown, I’m not working out, I can’t see anyone, I can’t do anything, every time I turn on the tv or look at my phone I’m reminded of the updated COVID death figure. Days and weeks go by. My mental state is slipping and I have no power over it this time, all my normal tactics like exercise or seeing friends are gone. Every day I feel like I’m falling. This starts to have an affect on the closest people around me, my fiancé and my daughter. They have no idea what minefield my mind is turning into.
The dark day
I feel nothing as I wake up one sunny morning, my 2 year old is watching the movie “Frozen’ on the tv as I eat my breakfast. Everything is muffled and I feel nothing. “Shall we go for a walk?” my partner says. I couldn’t even talk, I just shook my head and looked blankly ahead. “Whats wrong with you!” she angrily says, she continues having a go at me but I have no clue what she is saying, everything sounds muffled. We then get in an argument and spend the rest of the day ignoring each other, my mental status is in a free fall. Later on once my daughter was asleep I took my car keys and got in the car. No music I just needed to drive.
It’s late, around 10:45pm. Tears in my eyes. I’m driving around 80mph on an empty country road. I’m coming up to a sharp bend. I have about 4 seconds to rapidly slow down, or not… 3…2… Everything slows down, and I start talking to myself. “listen you fucking idiot slow down and go home, think of your family, you have so much to do and you CAN get through this.” I start to see my daughters face and all the amazing memorise I have with my partner.. time goes back to normal. SHIT. I break hard and turn, slightly skidding but regained control, slowed down and got home.
I waked through the door and there was Lotty (my partner) waiting on the stairs, she had been crying a lot and her eyes where red. “Where have you been?” she had tried calling over 20 times. “I… I’m so sorry” I said. We then spent hours talking and she helped me work out a plan. She was upset that I didn’t tell her what was going on and rightly too.
The next day I called the doctors to say I needed help, she then put me in contact with mental health team. I spent around 2 hours on the phone with them, talking about my feelings, and life. I also talked about the traumatic birth of my daughter. I was then diagnosed with PTSD following and they provided me with a course and steps to help my depression. I personally didn’t and have never taken any medication for this, I have always chose the other routes and luckily they have worked since.
Reflection
Over a year on since this day and things are very different. My mental state is still a balancing act, I need to stay physically healthy to look after my mind but everything seems to be working. I am much more open with my partner around how I feel and she is always there to support me, I am extremely lucky. I also have a baby boy who has given me a new outlook on life. I have never felt happier. Within my day job I am the leader of an international Wellbeing Team, I use my personal experiences to offer help to staff where I work and try to be the voice of the people to higher management. This is something I am very proud of.
I also use perspective, someone always has it worse than you. I never feel sorry for myself, yes I wouldn’t say I have had it easy but I also know I am extremely fortunate with what I do have. The struggles I have had has made me extremely determined, resilient and hard working and has put me in good positions in life. I find life has a funny way of working itself out.
Kindness and empathy is something I try to pass on to everyone. I set myself personal targets and put myself out of my comfort zone to grow. An example of this is public speaking, I hate this, it gives me huge anxiety but I put myself in these roles. I am due to give a work talk in front of around a thousand people in a few weeks. Right now, I am nervous but I know what ever happens I can’t fail because I have already stepped up.
I still have a lot of work to go, but I try to cherish every second of life. For what ever reason it’s very hard for people especially men to talk about their mental health. If you read this and you are struggling, then please talk to someone. Friends, family, your GP, or the many charities available. Help is the first step to climbing up the mountain to take control of your mental health. It’s not easy, and I still have down days but It’s the backup you need to grow and take back control.
Thanks for reading.
Until next time,
James
Lad-Dad Blogs 