The best/ worst day of my life… the birth of my daughter from my point of view.
I struggle thinking too much about this time, thinking back I see the memorise with a hazy filter, a whisky coloured nightmare. The memory is clouded by heat, pain, exhaustion.. but then things get brighter and clearer.
Friday morning at around half past 3 am, I was in a deep comfortable sleep. I was sleeping at my parents house, I was suddenly woken up by the sound of my mums panic’d voice “James wake up! Lotty’s waters have broke”, what! how? She’s not due for over a week, oh god.. I looked at the phone to see countless missed calls and texts. I had forgotten to turn my phone off silent from work that day, she’s going to be so pissed at me.
I cleaned my teeth and washed my face, looking at myself in the mirror giving myself a pep talk. “You’ve got this! You’re going to be a dad!” I felt excited but I didn’t feel ready, I wanted more time but this was it. I put my shoes on and my mum asked If I should pack an over night bag, “no don’t worry, we will only be there for the day lets go”
We drove to pick Lotty and her mum up, Lotty was PISSED. “You idiot, why didn’t you answer your phone!” she said, her mum didn’t seem too happy with me either but now wasn’t the time. I said I was so sorry and lets just focus on today.. Lotty still brings this up and she still hasn’t properly forgiven me for not being there, but as you will read, I think I made up for it.
We got to the hospital, Lotty was checked over and yep her waters had broke. Now was a waiting game, we were lead to the labour ward. As we got closer I could hear what sounded like a cow.. “Oooooohhhhh” “oaaghhhhh”, these noises didn’t sound human. Sounds of crying and pain got louder, I wanted to turn around so bad! But it was too late, we were lead to our room and a midwife told us it was now a waiting game.
Sitting in the room it all felt pretty underwhelming, Lotty wasn’t having any contractions yet. Where’s the gas & air? The breathing exercises, the panic? I wasn’t complaining but this wasn’t part of the plan.. is this normal?
Hours went by, still nothing. Most people would have been told to go home but due to Lotty’s condition we had to stay, which I was pretty happy about to be honest. Morning turned to afternoon, afternoon turned to night. By this point contractions had started but will still slow, I ran Lotty a hot bath and played music on my phone. This really sped things up, contractions were strong. We went back to our room and they hooked a heartbeat monitor machine to Lotty’s stomach to monitor the baby.
Through the night contractions eased almost to a stop, the midwife was happy to let her get some sleep. The next morning they decided to induce her to speed up the process, it had already been over a day since the waters broke. An hour went by and boom, this was it. 10 hours of pushing, breathing, gas & air, an epidural, another epidural but nothing. At one point there were around 13 people in the room trying to work out what to do. The baby’s heart beat was becoming very irregular by this point, she was panicking and wasn’t getting enough oxygen. At 8 pm on the Saturday a new doctor walked in and tried to pull the baby out using forceps, this could not happen! We had been told many times this could have devastating effects on the baby due to Lotty’s blood condition. But he wasn’t listening and he refused to look at her notes. This was terrifying and made my blood boil, he would have to go through me before he tried doing this. Eventually another doctor got involved and got in touch with the consultant who also gave the instruction that forceps are not to be used.
The only option now, emergency C-Section. Lotty doesn’t remember much around this point but she was very pale, near drifting in and out of conciseness. The baby’s heart rate was very low and the look on the midwife face said that things didn’t look good. I tried to ask what was happening but was told the doctors will do the best they can. Once the surgical team got wind of what was transpiring they didn’t waste any time, they whisked Lotty off, I was told to put on scrubs and join her. After standing there for a few minutes while they prepared, things escalated. I couldn’t see a heart beat on the baby scanner and Lotty was unconscious. I was told to leave the room.
I left the room and the doors were locked. Everything went silent. I couldn’t see anyone or hear anything. I walked back to the room to see the carnage, blankets and sheets across the room. A yoga ball which I had been sitting on all day slightly rolling. Tissues across the floor. I looked around and completely broke down. I cried like I had never cried before. 2 days of pure exhaustion, pain and worry took over. What do I do now? Is Lotty okay? Will my daughter be okay?… After around 10 long minutes I heard a huge cry. I don’t know how but I knew that was my baby, I could feel it. A nurse walked in and gave me a small blanket, inside was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I looked into her eyes and felt 9 months of worry wash away from me. She was born not breathing but the amazing doctors worked their magic.
Now, Lotty…. I was told she will be okay. I went into another room to wait for her, my back was in agony and I could hardly stand. After 20 minutes Lotty was rolled out, still not having regained consciousness. After half an hour she started to come around, I held her hand and kissed her head. She looked at rose and cried, she was drifting in and out for a while but eventually came too.
My daughter spent the next few days in intensive care and we spent around 10 days in hospital before we could go home.
How lucky I was I. This was the best / worst day of my life.
Reflection-
This day is hard to think about and took a while for me to even go back to. I recently had a few sessions with a therapist said I showed symptoms of PTSD stemming from this day. Although I can accept this day was very horrible, I know it could have been worse. My view on the NHS changed, they made many errors and made some frankly unforgivable actions… however they also saved my daughter and my partners life. What I learned from this is to not put in so much trust and reliance with the doctors. I now made notes through every appointment so I can back up claims on facts.
As a whole I count myself extremely lucky that I have been blessed with a beautiful family.
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