My senses tingle as the sea wind run’s through me, the sound of the waves calmly washing onto shore. No one in mind. No stress. Just me and the ocean. Me and the world. Me and the “James… I’m pregnant! I don’t know what to do”… oh fuck.
At 11:23 on a Tuesday, I was working in a call centre at an insurance firm. I was on the phone to a very disgruntled customer.. she wouldn’t shut up, please stop moaning at me, please will the fire alarm go off or anything.. “like I have said, we ask these security questions for your protection and ours” *My phone starts to vibrate in my pocket*, I decline the call for the third time. Who keeps bloody calling me at work?! The phone rings again, I put the angry woman on hold while i “Look into her issue”.
I quickly take a peak at my phone. 4 miss calls – 18 texts.. confused I start scrolling through my phone ”ANSWER YOUR PHONE”, “Important pick up”, “JAMES?!!!!!”, “Call me NOW” etc.. Ohh this is not good.. what have I done? Is she okay? Did the homeless man flirt with her again in Greggs (Where she worked)?
In a wave of panic I tell the customer I am having some IT issues and pass her onto my colleague, I was pretty happy to get off that call! I quickly walk into the stairwell outside of the office and call my Girlfriend. “Why did you take so long I’ve been going crazy!!!!” “Well good morning to you too, whats so important?” “Okay.. so” *Her voice starts to shake* “I have been feeling weird all week and I know I should have said something but.. anyway I have taken a test and” Oh shi.. “I’m pregnant” *now crying*”I don’t know what to do“
It was like being punched in the face by reality. Pregnant?! Whats my mum going to say?.. whats HER mum going to say? I’ve only just turned 19 and I’m going to be a dad?
“Alright calm down, it’s going to be okay. We will work this out, when do you go on lunch?” I say calmly, on the inside I’m freaking out but I feel pretty happy along with a lot of mixed emotions.
An hour later I go on lunch, I went to my usual spot (a bench on the seafront) to look out at the sea. It gives me a chance to think and get away from the business of the office. I have always hated the office environment, phones ringing, keyboards rattling, mouses clicking, fake politeness.. but this was my space. Looking out at the sea my senses tingle, the sound of the waves calmly washing onto shore. No one in mind. No stress. Just me and the ocean. Me and the world. Me and the “James… I’m pregnant! I don’t know what to do”… oh fuck… right…
Me and my girlfriend had only been together for around 8 months, we talked and I made it very clear we were in this together. For some reason she had the idea that it was all on her, I think this is a message in society that the female is fully responsible. To that I say no, if you’re man enough to get a girl pregnant, you’re man enough to deal with the consequences.
“What about our parents” she said.. I gulp “lets wait a week or two when we know what we are doing yeah?”. She looks at me, “yes okay” She broke down and told her mum less than half an hour after she got home but I wasn’t upset.
Reflection-
Looking back, this day changed my life in ways I could never imagine. I look back and see a boy, I knew very little about life or how much my life was about to change. In my next blog I will talk about the 9 months which followed and of course.. the labour.
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